Hello all, in a slight change in the advertised schedule due to popular demand this weeks edition will be one for the bowlers. The second part of the much talked about ‘art of batting’ feature will be available later in the season.

This weeks problem has become all too familiar to me in recent weeks but I’m surely not the only person in the world who can learn from it.

Picture the scene, you’re in the middle of bowling a long and accurate spell, you’ve taken your one wicket for the day and the runs have dried up. People in your own team are beginning to nod off, the sun is
shining and the larks are a singing. All of a sudden out of the blue a perfectly respectable ball on around off stump is dispatched way over your head into a corn field. It’s important I feel to note here that the following may be substituted for a corn field; a pavilion, a cow field, a road, a tree, or a ditch. It’s also important to realise that the ball can actually have gone anywhere in the arc from mid off to backward square leg.

Now, I’ve been working on it hard but I haven’t yet invented my time machine, and unless you have you’ve got to accept what has just happened. What’s important though is how your react. Now I know what you’re thinking, bowl a stump shattering yorker or a devilish slower ball, but anyone can do that. What’s really vital is how you react in the time between the ball being sent into orbit and you bowling your next ball.

Now as seems to be the trend in this fine blog there are a number of options each with their own unique advantages and disadvantages for you to weigh up. It’s said that an awful lot of this fine game is played in the mind and this is never more the case than when you’ve just been smashed out the park. Here are 6 of the best for you to bear in mind if you ever suffer from this misfortune.

1, As your team call for a search party to search the entirety of the field return to the crease and mark out your run again. This option is definitely enhanced by the presence of a bowling marker for you to lift
and replace as without it you’re likely to end up just scratching over the same mark as you measured out at the start of your spell. If you’ve been hit a particularly long way then a handy tape measure placed by the boundary could prove useful here.

2, Indulge in some sledging, eg – ‘Call yourself a batsman mate, Will Clarke hit me further than that last week’. This will achieve two things, firstly you will feel better and secondly the batsman if he’s of weak will could become irate. This is likely to result in him attempting to launch you at least twice the distance next ball. He may even succeed. Be warned though that if he does you better have an extremely good sledge lined up. ‘Only got one shot then eh?’ doesn’t really cut it at this point, especially if you the poor bowler has only got one ball.

3. As the ball flies through the air narrowly missing a couple of soviet satellites collapse into a heap and hold your leg. Go through some elaborate stretching exercises and maybe even attempt to start your run up for the next ball. Pull up again and limp gingerly off the field. Persuade the 12th man to take your place if he exists. If not your injury is obviously serious enough to render you useless and go off anyway. Pull a pew up and watch the carnage unfold as the batsman you played into form unleashes all manner of shots against your replacement. If however your replacement takes a stack of wickets at this point it’s time to contemplate retirement – due to your serious injury naturally.

4, As the ball climbs high in the air and everyone in the ground is watching it sail long into the distance nip past the batsman and surreptitiously knock a bail off. Whilst everybody is marvelling at the grandeur of the stroke appeal for hit wicket.

5, If sawdust is present apply some to your foot marks. If sawdust is not present and it’s even the tiniest bit damp make a big commotion of asking for some. If it’s as dry as a bone and the only reason you might ask for sawdust is because your looking to blame something other than your lack of competence then scratch hard with your boots at the front line for at least 30 seconds. This will make it clear that the only thing that prevented you bowling the ball of the century was your slightly suspect footing.

6, This option takes guts and shows you’re not embarrassed by the fate that has just befallen you. Simply run over and join the search party. It’s very very rare that a bowler does this and it may even convince your fellow searchers that it can’t possibly have been you that was bowling. If the search lasts long enough you may even be able to take a position at say short third man and the world may never find out it was you.

So there are 6 options. In an extremely unfortunate over you might have to use all 6 of those. If you have used all 6 however don’t worry about needing anymore because there’s just a slight probability that it might be your last over.

Happy Bowling,

Onefa

Tags: Bowling, Tips

Well after the relatively good feedback from the original work of art here is attempt number 2.

Okay, I'll be honest, there are many others vastly more qualified than me to teach you about how to play certain shots and how to build an innings, so I thought I'd focus on an area in which I'm a relative
expert and in which I think we could all learn a thing or two. This is the art of 'getting out'.

Now obviously the less seasoned and intelligent amongst you may think that the whole idea of batting is to avoid getting out. However unless your name is Tom Fulk the vast majority of your innings will end with a dismissal. The key to this vital area is that there are certain ways of getting out which are acceptable and make you look more like a batsman and certain ways which make you look rather more foolish.

In fact sometimes if you're playing a particularly scratchy innings getting out in a dignified manner can make you seem like a much better player than hanging around to score 3 not out in 43 days.

Here I'm going to take you through the top 5 ways of getting out in the manner befitting a great player, in next weeks edition I will take a glance at methods that are best left to the ferrets (ferrets obviously
coming in after rabbits)

Top 5 dignified dismissals

1. Cajole the bowler into bowling you a perfect outswinger that pitches on leg stump yet hits the top of off. Play a textbook forward defensive just inside the line of the ball and turn around with a startled look on your face when you hear the 'death rattle'. You've just been bowled a jaffa, nobody can grumble as you wander back to the pavillion.

2. Ensure the batsmen at the other end is a quality player with a liking for a straight drive. Goad the bowler into bowling a half volley on around middle and off stump to him. Now make sure you back up in an
exaggerated fashion. As the ball comes flying back straight and clips the bowlers finger tips before crashing into the stumps peform a full length dive which sadly lands inches short of regaining your ground.
You may be out but you're a hero twice over, not only did you give a masterclass in backing up but you also showed supreme athletisism in attempting to remain at the crease - or preferably just behind it.

3 This method relies upon you being a supreme judge of line, you have to be verging on the great to rely upon being able to get out in this way. You need a reasonably brisk bowler on a pitch with good carry to be sure of success here - it's such a tricky manouvre that it can take all day to pull off, you certainly don't want to have to think about another way of getting out if it doesn't quite carry. Wait for any ball
on a good length just outside off-stump. Play 2.125 inches inside the line of the ball. As you are no doubt aware a cricket bat is 4 and a quarter inches wide so this should result in the thinnest of thin edges. A sharp take by the keeper and off you trot. There are a few advantages using this method, firstly in attempting it you will play and miss at least 8 times, this will give the impression that it is a very good bowler you are facing, secondly given the fact it is a good bowler you were facing you can claim 'I must have been playing well to get a touch'. Ergo your reputation is enhanced.

4 Whilst facing the oppositions mystery spinner deduce what way he is attempting to spin the ball. It's not important here whether the ball is turning or not, its simply important you work out which way it would
be turning if it was. Next time he bowls a straight one subtly play down the wrong line as if the ball turned the opposite way to the one he usually bowls (still following the genius of this here?). You may be
out bowled to their mystery spinner but it was definitly through sheer bad luck that he produced his only straight 'doosra' whilst you were batting. Who can blame you for that?

NOTE - this beautiful trick will only work if it's not one of your team umpiring. If one of your team is umpiring you're just an incompetent fool who played down the wrong line, be very careful!

5 Another one which relies on having a good batting partner at the other end and more importantly you being the weak link in said partnership, percieved or otherwise. All you need to do is initiate some mayhem in running between the wickets, a fairly simple way to do this is to call any combination of yes, no, and wait in a random or pseudorandom order. Just as it looks like your illustrious partner is
about to bite the dust you can dash past him and sacrafice yourself. Whilst this may gain you the reputation of being a suspect runner it will at least prove to everyone what a team player you are.

Hopefully you'll be able to remember at least one of those the next time you are in the middle and feeling a bit out of form,

Happy Batting,

Onefa,

Tags: Batting, Dismissals, Tips