Having played cricket for a good few years at various levels and alongside people of varying intellects it has come to my attention that the standard of sledging overall is woeful. It lacks wit, subtlety and could for the most part have been invented by an Australian. Okay, for the weak of will a stream of mindless insults might be enough but what better way to put a player off his stride than to confuse him? It’s also a great opportunity to assert your superior brain power over the victim.

Tired of ‘Need a bell in that mate?’, ‘Big swing, no ding’, and ‘3 runs till the next batting point, make yourself a hero’? Here’s some suggestions for you to try next time.




Sledge 1, the Magnus effect.

Imagine for a moment you are a spinner, you’re getting big drift and the batsman is frequently being deceived in the air. Imagine then the confusion you could cause by uttering to the wicket keeper the
following, ‘Can’t handle the old Magnus effect, can he?’. This apparently absurd statement is actually true though. The Magnus effect comes about as a spinning object creates a kind of whirlpool of air
spinning around itself. On one side of the object, the motion of the whirlpool will be in the same direction as the wind stream that the object is exposed to. On this side the velocity will be increased. On
the other side, the motion of the whirlpool is in the opposite direction of the wind stream and the velocity will be decreased. As one side of the ball is now effectively travelling marginally faster than the other the ball will curve in flight. This is the cause of the natural drift that spinners obtain.

Be warned however, an all too common misconception is that the Magnus effect is also the cause of the ball swinging, this is not the case however, which leads us nicely onto number 2.

Sledge 2, delayed separation of the wake.

‘Great wake separation mate, keep it there’ is a cry that you rarely hear from wicketkeepers these days, but maybe you should.

Most swing bowlers bowl at a speed that means that the airflow around the ball is a mixture of laminar flow, and turbulent flow. If you bowl above about 90mph all flow around the ball becomes turbulent and swing becomes more difficult to obtain. However slower than this and over some parts of the ball the flow is laminar, whilst over others the flow is turbulent. The key to successful swing bowling is managing this flow over the ball. By leaving one side of the ball rough turbulent air flows over this side. Whilst over the other smooth side there will be laminar flow. Turbulent flow generally ‘clings’ to the side of an
object more, this means that there is delayed separation on the rougher side and hence the ball will tend to swing towards it.

Sledge 3, simple projectile mechanics.

Imagine you've been hit for a v.big six, yes we're back here again. If you've ever seen me bowl you'll realise why this is a recurring theme.

Now however big the 6 is it's very unlikely that the batsmen hit at at the optimum angle. Assuming there is negligible effect from air resistance then this angle should be precisely 45 degrees to the horizontal. If you take the effect of air resistance into account the optimum would probably be somewhere between 40 degress and 45 degrees. Simply utter. 'Cracking shot buddy, but that would have gone far further if you'd hit it at an angle of exactly 45 degrees'. Next ball you're now guaranteed that the batsmen will attempt to hit the ball at said angle. It's really really unlikely he'll hit it at precisely this angle even if he has 100 goes, and even if he does it'll be tough for him to prove it, hence the sledge can be pretty much used ad infitum.

Sledge 4, the linear vector.

Imagine you are facing a bowler who's doing very little with the ball on a road of a pitch and you're in good form. As you flay away another ball to the boundary have you ever thought of uttering the words.
'Excuse me mr Bowler, ignoring the acceleration due to gravity did you realise that it's considerably easier to intercept a ball where the component of acceleration is in the same direction as the velocity, in
effect it's just a linear vector'?

No, you probably haven't, to be honest you're probably not that much of a loser, but imagine the chaos you could cause inside that bowlers head and you're speaking only the truth. Okay you could be the subject of ridicule from behind the stumps, you could cause great mirth in the slip corden, but that only serves you well as it significantly increases the chances of them dropping the next chance.

Sledge 5, the run rate sledge.

Practice your division until you can work out run rates to at least 1 decimal place. Then at an oppertune moment take the time of saying to the batting side, 'your current run rate is....., in order to win you
now need a run rate of...., good luck'. At this point you can see that it probably doesn't matter if the run rates you utter are right at all. But this is after all intelligent sledging!!

Happy Sledging,

Onefa.

Tags: Sledging

During another intense period of contemplation I was pondering how it’s interesting that batsmen always fancy themselves as bowlers, bowlers invariably are convinced that they’re Bradman in disguise and everyone on the team secretly thinks that they’d make a great wicketkeeper.

I’m a case in point I guess. Been bowling for over 15 years on the green now, never batted above about 10 for Reed but I’m still convinced I’m an undiscovered talent. I may not have a whole host of shots with which to gain the fans support. I may not look like the most elegant batsmen out there. Yet for various reasons, not least the fact that I’ve yet to be out on a Saturday this year and have a Sunday average approaching 60, I still think there’s talent there.

So maybe I’m not the best person to comment upon this, as clearly I’m something of an all-rounder. It did leave me wondering though. Is it possible that someone with little or no apparent talent in the discipline they don’t specialise in can be dragged up at least to the level of good old fashioned mediocrity? What I needed was a project. Someone who’s bowling or batting was something of a laughing stock and I could help transform it. I’d be like a modern day cricketing guardian angel…

Now despite the above I still reckon my bowling has the edge over my batting, so I figured that I’d probably have more success coaching a batsman to bowl, than a bowler to bat. I knew it’d be tough still but
there must be a guinea pig out there. Fortunately at nets this week I found the perfect candidate, a stubborn left handed batsman with an unfortunate tendency to play across the line around his front pad but
who has at times this season morphed from a sedate opener to a big hitting number 5.

To begin with I took a brief look at his current action. There were certainly ample holes to pick in it and I realised that this might be a job that required even more patience than teaching maths. I decided
that the best way forward would be to remodel it completely, and build from there. We altered the wrist position, the angle of run up and the position of the front arm and feet at delivery. I decided to move away slightly from the classical side action which had clearly been failing abysmally up until this point.

So, remodelled and raring to go my protégé jogged in, with good poise and a much better looking action he sent down the first ball of the rest of his career. It barely reached the batsmen, bouncing 3 times,
once before it reached the matting of the net. Maybe I was being too ambitious, maybe this was an impossible task, but I wasn’t prepared to give up just yet. A couple of minor technical hitches were sorted out, I told my young medium pacer to try to stay more upright through the delivery stride and he had another go. Miraculously he bowled a reasonable ball, fullish, on a length, and at a pace that the batsmen
only had time for the one cup of tea and sandwich as opposed to a roast dinner before it got to him. This was brilliant, amazing, wonderful, and what is more it continued for the next few attempts.

Now we had the fundamentals I took another look at my protégés action and decided he looked like a natural out-swing bowler. Okay, natural might be stretching the truth but I definitely thought he had a chance of nibbling one away, so I taught him, and he charged in gamely once more, delivering what has now become his signature ball, the treble bouncer which struggles to reach the batsmen. Oh dear, maybe I’d just got a bit carried away.

I told him to stay upright, keep his head up, grip the ball a little looser and show a little more dynamism through the crease. He took this on board and bowled again. It was on a good length, swung away
precociously and beat the outside edge, yes that’s right, IT BEAT THE OUTSIDE EDGE. Had to be a fluke, surely? So he bowled again, and the batsmen who hadn’t reckoned on this new found talent tried to waltz down the pitch, again it swung away and was far too good for him, this time taking the edge and going in the direction of second slip.

Now this was only the nets, and it was only one ball, but I’d be lying if I said my protégé wasn’t excited by this. It was as he claimed, ‘the only time he’d bowled an actually threatening ball in his life’. He
tried to learn the in-swinger at this point and it failed miserably but I’d have to say I was proud of the lad. From no hoper to Sunday level medium pacer in just 15 or so balls. It’ll be interesting to see whether the improvement can be sustained next week.

So what does all this prove, I guess it proves that with expert tuition it is possible to convert what appeared to be the most useless situation in the world to mediocrity, possibly beyond, I’ll keep you updated. I’m just wondering how many of you out there have talents you’ve not yet discovered, either cricketing or otherwise. It’s worth trying new things out, you never know where it might get you. I’ll be genuinely disappointed if my protégé doesn’t get a bowl this weekend and I’ll be expecting at least a One-for.

Cheers for reading,

Onefa

Tags: Training, Nets, Coaching

Hello, due to the inclement conditions and a lack of cricket this past weekend I’ve had much time for contemplation. In such times of thought a great thinker like myself tends to come up with some absolutely
pearling ideas. Some of which seem slightly counter intuitive but most of which are faultlessly constructed. Ignoring a late plea from a captain of one of the Saturday sides who is a bowler to help with some
ideas on captaincy this weeks episode steers clear of cricket. It is in fact a compendium of wonderful ideas and great conversation starters on rainy days.



Interesting thought number 1, the baked bean bean bag.

Now the students amongst our number may be fortunate enough to have regular bean bags in their living areas. For those that don’t know bean bags are generally made of a textile material and contain round objects which may or may not necessarily be beans. The generally appear comfortable but rarely are. Thinking about this as well as the odd sounding but great in practice ‘water bed’ led me to think about the possible hybrid, the baked bean bean bag. This would combine the versatility of a bean bag with the comfort of a water bed. It would also provide opportunity for a handy snack in the event of severe laziness. This would require a tap to be inserted or possibly a 2 way valve. All in all I still can’t comprehend why such a great invention has not yet appeared on the market.

Interesting thought number 2, could a fish survive in custard?

Again, another of life’s great mysteries and unless there is something rather wrong with you not something that can really be found by experiment. Hence we have to rely on theory, and as with all theory
this can be based heavily on conjecture. Now as you’re probably aware fish rely on oxygen in water to survive. As you’re probably also aware water is a key component of custard, hence there should be no problems there. Obviously custard is also jam packed with goodness and in my humble opinion would provide ample nutrients for a fish. There are a few key problems to consider however, firstly the surface tension of custard would most probably be strong enough to prevent good oxygen absorption, a problem that can easily be resolved by the addition of a bubble machine. Secondly and perhaps more pertinently what temperature should the custard be. Too cold and it will set – unless the presence of the fish continuously stirs it which could happen. Too hot however and you’ll kill the fish.

All in all studies have shown that a temperature of about 40 degrees centigrade should stop the custard from setting whilst at the same time be bearable for some tropical fish to survive. If the custard wasn’t
too thick I’d definitely give the fish an even money chance of survival. But please please please do not try to find this out!

Interesting thought number 3, How many legs has a frog?

An ongoing dilemma. Most biologists will argue irrefutably that a frog has 4 legs. However the simpleton in me and also the man that likes such a high brow debate definitely classifies a frogs ‘front legs’ as
arms. To me you see legs should be used in propelling the animal forward but whilst I concede that occasionally a frog uses his arms to balance on nearly all the propulsion is given by the legs at the rear.
A frog having 2 arms and 2 legs also fits in much better with the image I have of eager frogs carrying useful titbits with their arms as they hop along merrily.

Interesting thought number 4, The long thin car.

The second great invention in this compendium. In an era when concerns are raised about congestion, pollution and the fact roads are nearing capacity serious thought needs to go into the future. Currently our public transport system is inadequate and road building schemes will never meet demand. Hence why not sell long thin cars and ban current cars from the roads. A long thin car seats all passengers in a straight line behind the driver. It can be constructed to any length required within reason seating up to 7. By banning all ‘standard’ cars to prevent people who haven’t yet realised they’re obsolete from the roads significantly more spaced will be freed up. A standard road instantly becomes a dual carriageway. A 4 lane motorway now has 8 lines. Simple fluid mechanics should be enough to tell you that in congested areas this will cut journey times in half. It’s not just genius, it is going to save the world!

Happy Thinking,

Onefa

Tags: Thinking

You know how it works. In the week leading up to the game you’ve been on the BBC weather website even more times than you’ve imagined yourself winning the game almost on your own. With every change in the weather forecast your emotions swing wildly. Every ray of sun that appears as a little icon is just cause for a ticker tape parade. Every black cloud or spot of rain nearly results in a quick call to an anonymous help-line. You know that the weather forecast is by and large made up by meteorologists with too much time on their hands justifying their employment by whatever means they can but it still wont stop the fretting. What’s worse than a free Saturday in summer?


Onto the game,

On arriving at the ground and finding it either threatening rain or actually raining there are a couple of key things you’ve gotta do. Most of your day will revolve around the weather and so it’s a great idea to
find out where it comes from. This can be done in a few different ways. One way is to indulge in some chatter with the opposing team, preferably their groundsman. If however it’s a team you don’t like very
much simply observing the direction in which most of their players appear to be gazing could work if you’re prepared to put the time into it. Finally failing the above rely on the fact that in general in the UK, especially in East Anglia the prevailing wind is generally from the south west.

How do I find the south west I hear you worry. Well don’t! Find the south, then the west and conveniently you’ll find that if you construct an angle bisector of the two lines you will have a line pointing due south west. Alternatively bring a compass.

If you’ve got no compass and aren’t really into your construction then there is one final option. In this fine country we are not in the tropics, we are north of them. And hence the sun which is over the tropics is south of us. In fact daylight saving is your friend here. At 1 O’clock BST it is precisely 12 midday GMT. Our close proximity in East Anglia to the Greenwich meridian means that at this time the sun should be due south. Next as you’re all aware, the sun moves west, so whilst taking careful notes of the position of the sun (without looking directly at it) you should be able to work out to a reasonable degree of accuracy where south west is.

If you can’t work out where the sun is for clouds then it’s probably about to rain and your game will be called off anyway.

Be warned though that if you are one of my many Australian readers then the patented way for finding south west will actually result in you finding north west and if you are a reader in the tropics you’ll have
to vary your method depending on the time of year – probably better just to buy a compass in fact. I’m also not an expert on the prevailing wind of your locality as it really varies depending on where your locality is and you know that better than me.

If after all this your game does actually start it’s of course vital to focus on the game of cricket rather than the weather. You are but a pawn in the game of ‘weather’ yet a king in the game of cricket. Even if you’re not actually a king in the world of cricket.

If rain stops play at any point be sure to gaze carefully and thoughtfully into the south western sky. Even if its torrential make sure you take up a suitable vantage point at least once every half hour. Feel free to stop these regular observations if the umpire calls off the game but you might just find that there’s something missing from your life without them.

Happy Meteorology,

One fa.

Tags: Weather

Hello all, in a slight change in the advertised schedule due to popular demand this weeks edition will be one for the bowlers. The second part of the much talked about ‘art of batting’ feature will be available later in the season.

This weeks problem has become all too familiar to me in recent weeks but I’m surely not the only person in the world who can learn from it.

Picture the scene, you’re in the middle of bowling a long and accurate spell, you’ve taken your one wicket for the day and the runs have dried up. People in your own team are beginning to nod off, the sun is
shining and the larks are a singing. All of a sudden out of the blue a perfectly respectable ball on around off stump is dispatched way over your head into a corn field. It’s important I feel to note here that the following may be substituted for a corn field; a pavilion, a cow field, a road, a tree, or a ditch. It’s also important to realise that the ball can actually have gone anywhere in the arc from mid off to backward square leg.

Now, I’ve been working on it hard but I haven’t yet invented my time machine, and unless you have you’ve got to accept what has just happened. What’s important though is how your react. Now I know what you’re thinking, bowl a stump shattering yorker or a devilish slower ball, but anyone can do that. What’s really vital is how you react in the time between the ball being sent into orbit and you bowling your next ball.

Now as seems to be the trend in this fine blog there are a number of options each with their own unique advantages and disadvantages for you to weigh up. It’s said that an awful lot of this fine game is played in the mind and this is never more the case than when you’ve just been smashed out the park. Here are 6 of the best for you to bear in mind if you ever suffer from this misfortune.

1, As your team call for a search party to search the entirety of the field return to the crease and mark out your run again. This option is definitely enhanced by the presence of a bowling marker for you to lift
and replace as without it you’re likely to end up just scratching over the same mark as you measured out at the start of your spell. If you’ve been hit a particularly long way then a handy tape measure placed by the boundary could prove useful here.

2, Indulge in some sledging, eg – ‘Call yourself a batsman mate, Will Clarke hit me further than that last week’. This will achieve two things, firstly you will feel better and secondly the batsman if he’s of weak will could become irate. This is likely to result in him attempting to launch you at least twice the distance next ball. He may even succeed. Be warned though that if he does you better have an extremely good sledge lined up. ‘Only got one shot then eh?’ doesn’t really cut it at this point, especially if you the poor bowler has only got one ball.

3. As the ball flies through the air narrowly missing a couple of soviet satellites collapse into a heap and hold your leg. Go through some elaborate stretching exercises and maybe even attempt to start your run up for the next ball. Pull up again and limp gingerly off the field. Persuade the 12th man to take your place if he exists. If not your injury is obviously serious enough to render you useless and go off anyway. Pull a pew up and watch the carnage unfold as the batsman you played into form unleashes all manner of shots against your replacement. If however your replacement takes a stack of wickets at this point it’s time to contemplate retirement – due to your serious injury naturally.

4, As the ball climbs high in the air and everyone in the ground is watching it sail long into the distance nip past the batsman and surreptitiously knock a bail off. Whilst everybody is marvelling at the grandeur of the stroke appeal for hit wicket.

5, If sawdust is present apply some to your foot marks. If sawdust is not present and it’s even the tiniest bit damp make a big commotion of asking for some. If it’s as dry as a bone and the only reason you might ask for sawdust is because your looking to blame something other than your lack of competence then scratch hard with your boots at the front line for at least 30 seconds. This will make it clear that the only thing that prevented you bowling the ball of the century was your slightly suspect footing.

6, This option takes guts and shows you’re not embarrassed by the fate that has just befallen you. Simply run over and join the search party. It’s very very rare that a bowler does this and it may even convince your fellow searchers that it can’t possibly have been you that was bowling. If the search lasts long enough you may even be able to take a position at say short third man and the world may never find out it was you.

So there are 6 options. In an extremely unfortunate over you might have to use all 6 of those. If you have used all 6 however don’t worry about needing anymore because there’s just a slight probability that it might be your last over.

Happy Bowling,

Onefa

Tags: Bowling, Tips

Well after the relatively good feedback from the original work of art here is attempt number 2.

Okay, I'll be honest, there are many others vastly more qualified than me to teach you about how to play certain shots and how to build an innings, so I thought I'd focus on an area in which I'm a relative
expert and in which I think we could all learn a thing or two. This is the art of 'getting out'.

Now obviously the less seasoned and intelligent amongst you may think that the whole idea of batting is to avoid getting out. However unless your name is Tom Fulk the vast majority of your innings will end with a dismissal. The key to this vital area is that there are certain ways of getting out which are acceptable and make you look more like a batsman and certain ways which make you look rather more foolish.

In fact sometimes if you're playing a particularly scratchy innings getting out in a dignified manner can make you seem like a much better player than hanging around to score 3 not out in 43 days.

Here I'm going to take you through the top 5 ways of getting out in the manner befitting a great player, in next weeks edition I will take a glance at methods that are best left to the ferrets (ferrets obviously
coming in after rabbits)

Top 5 dignified dismissals

1. Cajole the bowler into bowling you a perfect outswinger that pitches on leg stump yet hits the top of off. Play a textbook forward defensive just inside the line of the ball and turn around with a startled look on your face when you hear the 'death rattle'. You've just been bowled a jaffa, nobody can grumble as you wander back to the pavillion.

2. Ensure the batsmen at the other end is a quality player with a liking for a straight drive. Goad the bowler into bowling a half volley on around middle and off stump to him. Now make sure you back up in an
exaggerated fashion. As the ball comes flying back straight and clips the bowlers finger tips before crashing into the stumps peform a full length dive which sadly lands inches short of regaining your ground.
You may be out but you're a hero twice over, not only did you give a masterclass in backing up but you also showed supreme athletisism in attempting to remain at the crease - or preferably just behind it.

3 This method relies upon you being a supreme judge of line, you have to be verging on the great to rely upon being able to get out in this way. You need a reasonably brisk bowler on a pitch with good carry to be sure of success here - it's such a tricky manouvre that it can take all day to pull off, you certainly don't want to have to think about another way of getting out if it doesn't quite carry. Wait for any ball
on a good length just outside off-stump. Play 2.125 inches inside the line of the ball. As you are no doubt aware a cricket bat is 4 and a quarter inches wide so this should result in the thinnest of thin edges. A sharp take by the keeper and off you trot. There are a few advantages using this method, firstly in attempting it you will play and miss at least 8 times, this will give the impression that it is a very good bowler you are facing, secondly given the fact it is a good bowler you were facing you can claim 'I must have been playing well to get a touch'. Ergo your reputation is enhanced.

4 Whilst facing the oppositions mystery spinner deduce what way he is attempting to spin the ball. It's not important here whether the ball is turning or not, its simply important you work out which way it would
be turning if it was. Next time he bowls a straight one subtly play down the wrong line as if the ball turned the opposite way to the one he usually bowls (still following the genius of this here?). You may be
out bowled to their mystery spinner but it was definitly through sheer bad luck that he produced his only straight 'doosra' whilst you were batting. Who can blame you for that?

NOTE - this beautiful trick will only work if it's not one of your team umpiring. If one of your team is umpiring you're just an incompetent fool who played down the wrong line, be very careful!

5 Another one which relies on having a good batting partner at the other end and more importantly you being the weak link in said partnership, percieved or otherwise. All you need to do is initiate some mayhem in running between the wickets, a fairly simple way to do this is to call any combination of yes, no, and wait in a random or pseudorandom order. Just as it looks like your illustrious partner is
about to bite the dust you can dash past him and sacrafice yourself. Whilst this may gain you the reputation of being a suspect runner it will at least prove to everyone what a team player you are.

Hopefully you'll be able to remember at least one of those the next time you are in the middle and feeling a bit out of form,

Happy Batting,

Onefa,

Tags: Batting, Dismissals, Tips

Hello and welcome to my first ever blog. I'm not entirely sure why I've been chosen for this obviously vitally important task but I shall endevour to meet and perhaps even exceed expectations. I've been a member of Reed since I was around 8 years old but have - rather shamefully - been absent in recent years due to university and the fine sportbof Ultimate Frisbee. I've even competed in the World Ultimate Frisbee Championships but we'll leave that for another rainy day when I run out of material. Sadly this will probably happen relatively soon but we shall see.....

Anyways, here goes,

Sadly this cunning scheme is no longer quite as relevant given the glorious weather of late. However knowing England another spell of persistant rain is just around the corner.

My grand plan is to relocate our home ground from the gorgeous surrounds of the green in Reed to the much underused Millenium Dome - or whatever it's called these days - in Greenwich. Now at first glance this would appear to be absurd but then just think of the benifits.

1, Rain will never stop play again and it will enable us to guarantee that we remain the only club in Hertfordshire still able to complete games when the heavens open.

2, It will mean a significantly shorter journey to games for our 'overseas player' Will Clarke, thus saving the club money in paying his expenses - like he needs them anyway.

3, Should messrs Allsopp, Ward, Martin, Cross, Robertson et al fancy a night out after a game they'll have more options than Royston can offer.

4, Away trips to all those lovely grounds in the North London area will be brought considerably closer to our home ground. As an aside they wouldn't have to travel as far to us.

5, Because we're in London we can raise our bar prices and hence our bar takings will skyrocket.

6, The close proximity of sandwich shops and such like to the ground would mean that when Mr Johnson forgets his sandwiches in future he'll have no option but to nip out and purchase some instead, preferably from pret.

7, Us Mordeners could get the train from the frankly magnificent Ashwell and Morden station and save money on the petrol we currently waste lugging our kit bags to every game.

So as you can see whilst it would be inconvenient for some current members I'm sure the attraction of playing in a national landmark and the 7 benifits listed above would more than make up for the possible negative consequences

Thank you for reading,

Onefa.

Tags: Millenium Done, Relcoating